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The YDD's
Personal Favorites
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Well, actually, this is just a place to put content that does not change. Some are, indeed, my
personal favorites; some are things about which I feel so strongly that I want you to remember them,
for one reason or another.
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8/19/1998
(LINK)
(VOICE 400k WAV)
In honor of Ogden Nash's birthday, not that he ever needed advice...
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How to Write Doggerel
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You want to write some doggerel?
I'll tell you what to do...
The first thing: make your readers laugh
at what should make them spew.
That done, the next agenda is,
be certain to offend.
Then force your rhyme: be sure each line
displays a blunt, rough end.
Then choose a metric pattern that
is hard on eye and ear;
Use words that make a sailor blush;
that readers loathe and fear.
I swear that this is easier
than falling off a log, girl;
Just sit you down and write your worst...
AND WHAT YOU HAVE IS DOGGEREL!
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Steve Bates
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8/19/1996
(LINK)
Another in honor of my "patron saint" ...
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The Feast of St. Ogden
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Today I shall celebrate loudly and gladly the Feast of my patron St. Ogden,
Which worthy, while living, wrote poems deserving of posting, though never he logged in.
While living his life in an earlier time, thus restricted to paper as medium,
He managed to scribble and typewrite and market enough to clothe, house him and feedium.
While I can write doggerel yielding my readers a bellowing laugh most salubrious,
To think I compare with this master of masters is nothing but arrogance hubrious.
And while I imagine my comical verses arising in heavenward ascent,
Compared to St. Ogden's they all die aborning, aborted before they are nascent.
Though Ogden some twenty-five years ago died, something of him is living and breathing;
My works are not bad, but compared to St. Nash I am only a babe who is teething.
Someday I may grow to accomplish the breadth of his scope and the point of his wit;
For now I can only resort to obscenity, infantile humor and grit.
St. Ogden, in awe I do fall at your feet as I worship you, cowering, groveling;
While you in your lifetime held sway in the mansions of humor, I've only been hoveling.
You're lord of the manor, and I but an urchin not worthy to take out your trash;
And so, with a gnashing of teeth, I write works less inspired than the teething of Nash!
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Steve Bates
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10/15/2000
(LINK)
(Who could have known what we would face. Who could have known just how bad the Bush administration would be...
worse than Reagan, worse by far than Nixon. When I wrote this, the consensus was that Al Gore would pull out a
squeaker. He did... but it didn't matter; his victory was just plain stolen from him. Here's my
original, unmodified despite the temptation to excoriate the wretch who stole the White House even more than I
did before he stole it. If you're unfamiliar with the original work (and more's the pity if you are),
there are MIDI files available on the web... and most of them suck. On the other hand,
this one
actually reminds me a tiny bit of the real thing.)
Once every four years, I just have to write one of
these. I think this one is a considerable improvement over my
1996 Model. Again, with NO apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan,
who were nothing if not masters of political satire...
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I am the Very Model
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[Instrumental intro]
I am the very model of dispassionate conservative;
My social views are so antique, they're stored in a preservative.
I leave no child behind, provided it has income high enough...
If kids have no insurance, why don't they go out and buy enough?
I show a face that says to all, "this Bush, you have a winner with,"
A better choice than Al, if you want someone to have dinner with.
My smile's as bogus as my claim my state has no pollution... er... [pause]
Except when doing duty as the Lord High Executioner.
([Chorus] Except when doing duty as the Lord High Executioner;
Except when doing duty as the Lord High Executioner;
Except when doing duty as the Lord High Execution-cutioner...)
I rest on my credentials as a sound environmentalist:
Of trees I want to save, to the Sierra Club I've sent a list.
Attention to each species one can serve as an hors d'oeuvre I give...
I am the very model of dispassionate conservative.
([Chorus] Attention to each species one can serve as an hors d'oeuvre he gives...
He is the very model of dispassionate conservatives.)
[Instrumental interlude]
I am the very model of conservative dispassionate;
And like my predecessor, I will feel your pain (but ration it).
I am opposed to welfare: it's the source of sloth and torpor; it
Is bad for our society... unless of course it's corporate.
My victory depends on bringing charges quite sensational;
I'm castigating Al each time he is exaggerational.
Though I've invented nothing, I'm inventing fuzzy facts... and yet, [pause]
It's questionable whether I could log on to the internet.
([Chorus] It's questionable whether he could log on to the internet;
It's questionable whether he could log on to the internet;
It's questionable whether he could log on to the inter-internet...)
With English as a second language, I am barely able to
Disguise my plan as one you'd put a sympathetic label to,
But if the voters write my check, you bet I will be cashin' it...
I am the very model of conservative dispassionate.
([Chorus] But if the voters write his check, you bet he will be cashin' it...
He is the very model of conservative dispassionate.)
[Instrumental interlude... Slower]
In fact, when I can render "Chernomyrdin" without drooling, or
Can comprehend who Thomas and Scalia made their ruling for,
Or understand my policies could well be bad for women, it
Will be when I can breathe the Houston air, instead of swim in it...
When I can make a budget out of numbers not so shifty, God
May bless my State of Texas with a ranking beating fifty-odd;
In short, when I recapture the intelligence I've been denied... [pause]
You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occupied.
([Chorus] You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occupied;
You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occupied;
You'll say you've never seen the Oval Office better occu-occupied...)
If I beat Albert Gore though I have less than half his intellect,
If, morning of November 8, I stand your President-elect,
You'll spend four years regretting it, however you may fashion it...
I am the very model of conservative dispassionate!
([Chorus] We'll spend four years regretting it, however we may fashion it...
He is the very model of conservative dispassionate!)
[Instrumental Conclusion]
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Steve Bates
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10/7/1999
(LINK)
(Note on 5/29/2004 - I'm putting this up for Echidne, in response to her post,
Puritan Thoughts,
but others may appreciate it as well.)
[AP - Houston Chronicle]
Now it's irrefutable: Obesity cuts life short
A study of more than 1 million Americans provides the most
convincing evidence yet that simply being overweight can cut
your life short.
The study, the largest done on obesity and
mortality, found that overweight people run a higher rate of
premature death. And this was true even among people who didn't
smoke and were otherwise healthy during their middle years.
The study was conducted by the American Cancer Society
and published in today's New England Journal of Medicine.
...
"The message is we're too fat and it's killing us. We need to
come up with ways as a society to eat less and exercise more,"
said American Cancer Society epidemiologist Eugenia Calle,
lead author of the study.
...
Ah, the American Cancer Society. Oh, the American
Heart Association. Ooh, the Food Police, uh, I mean,
the Center for Science in the Public Interest. How they
preach at those of us who tip the scales significantly,
those who perhaps enjoy their food a bit too much to
suit the more puritanical souls among nutrition researchers!
It's as if they've formed some sort of religion, in which
the gateway to eternal bliss is found by spending the
absolutely longest possible time alive on this earth.
Having seen a good deal of this earth, I could make a
persuasive argument to someone of any religion, or of
no religion at all, that living the longest possible life
on it is not the ultimate virtue, especially at the price
these zealots are asking. I can't speak for everyone who,
like me, is 30 or 40 pounds over "ideal" weight, but I,
for one, am damned tired of being told that being thinner,
and hence living longer, is a moral virtue rather than
a practical matter and a personal choice.
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A Short, Fat Sermon
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"Thou shalt not be fat; thou shalt ever be thinner;
Thy body's a temple; a diner's a sinner."
Hear bellowing organ and hymnody choral,
As Reverend informs us that FAT IS IMMORAL!
"Rewarded Hereafter are those with restraint:
Who liveth the longest becometh a saint."
Your soul's in the balance if will-power fails,
Or, rather, it's resting on GOD'S BATHROOM SCALES!
"Regret every taco and each enchilada,
Or all of your virtues will add up to nada.
Forgo all the chocolate, chili and cheese,
'Cause Heaven's no place for the soul who's OBESE!"
The doctrine we learn at this ACS church: you
Must age to decrepitude: suffering's a virtue.
Be certain each calorie duly you've reckoned;
Survive 'til you're ninety... and HATE EVERY SECOND!
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Steve Bates
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